On the back of my Mazda sun visor it says: "I am becoming the person I am".
I didn't know what it meant when I wrote it. I was parked outside a client's house (when I was driving 5 hours a day as a roving behavior analyst, from home to home supporting learners with Autism and their families), and exhaustion had washed over me like a tidal wave. I could have cancelled the visit and rescheduled for tomorrow - after all, I wasn't the front -line therapist, I was the consultant. I had no idea how I would pull myself together to show up for this family and therapy team. This case was especially in crisis, and I felt somehow that the family was blaming me. The therapists needed more training, the child was engaging in dangerous behavior, the mommy was completely burnt out, and we'd exhausted so many options. I had no idea what I was going to do when I got there. I felt anxious, unprepared, and frankly, incompetent.
I didn't know anything about Energy Leadership at the time. I was only beginning my journey into spirituality. But as I sat there in my car, at the curb, knowing that someone else was taking care of my own baby while I gathered myself together to take care of other people's children... I thought: I just can't do this anymore. It was the mental song of my life at the time.
"I just can't do this anymore".
I'd come home at 8 or 9pm, look at my sleeping daughter, and think: I just can't do this anymore
I'd wake up at the crack of dawn, pull us all together, leave her in someone else's arms for 10 hours, and think: I just can't do this anymore.
I'd take one more deep breath when a front-line therapist started arguing with me about treatment protocols in front of a family, and think: I JUST CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.
I'd get on the phone with insurance to advocate for a family's treatment hours, spend an hour on hold, end up arguing with the representative, finally win, and feel completely depleted (this is NOT what I got into the field for!) and then I would click the phone down into the cradle and think: I just can't do this anymore. I hate it. I hate this. This is not what I came here to do. This is not how I came here to live. I miss my baby. I miss my life. I miss my husband and myself and my passion for work.
I just can't do. this. anymore.
There in the trusty purple therapy-mobile, I hung my head and watched the sun set. That same victim thought came over me, I just can't do this anymore. I'd thought it probably 100 times that day. All I felt was despair and sheer emptiness. I'd been battling postpartum depression for a year at that point. I'd been fighting for my mental health and the well-being of my family. I'd been pushing through and showing up for everyone, on every front. And I had no more "me" left to give this family.
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In the numb, emptiness of "nothing left to give," surrender finally washed over me. I had no more fight, so I stopped fighting.
In that thought, "I just can't do this anymore," I'd been putting myself in constant fight mode. And fight mode means someone has to lose. The problem, when you're fighting your own life situation, is that the person losing is YOU.
When I was finally too tired to even think that thought anymore, a new one arose. A thought borne from love, from my highest inner self, and from my Being - the part of me that isn't my life circumstances. A new thought arose forged straight from the part of me that dances with the divine.
"I am becoming the person I am".
I am becoming the person I am. My higher love looked down on me, in that car, head hung, completely surrendered, and said "Hey, honey. Guess what? You know you're going to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and show up for that family. You know why? Because it's what you're made of. You are not your life circumstances. You are higher love. And higher love will pull you through. And in showing up, again, beyond the point where you believed you could... you are revealing who You Truly Are."
Pushing past the limits of what I believed I could handle, on behalf of another person, showed me that I was not my limitations. I was not my life circumstances. I was the Now, the Presence, the Great Love, and all I had to do was shed the story to reveal what was already there.
Here's the other problem with fighting our life circumstances: When the "I can't" blinders are on, we have tunnel vision. Our options are limited. The possibilities are only black and white, either/or. We feel that we are "trapped" or "stuck" because we can't think our way out of the cage. We go down endless mental regurgitating of how to get out of the job/living situation/marriage/financial disaster.
Higher love doesn't know from "how". It only knows that when you keep on showing up from love, that the circumstances will follow suit.
Fear wants a plan. It wants to know how you're going to get out of this cage, where they key is kept, how you're going to throw away the key so you're never locked in there again. It wants a 30-day money back guarantee, and it wants to see the road before it makes the turn. Fear needs to know we're going to be safe, secure, and stable. Fear needs to know that there will be money in the bank, food on the table, and a roof. (Of course it does, and it's completely reasonable for wanting those things!) Fear needs the how, the stepping stone path, the one-foot-in-front-of-the-other Candyland game of life.
Love wants inspired action. Love wants to move towards feeling good and expressing our True natures, the divine beings who are NOT our shoes, not our jobs, and not our limitations. Love wants us to feel great.
Love doesn't necessarily say, "Hey, jump off the cliff because seriously, I'll catch you!" Love wants us to be safe, secure, and cared for, too. Love wants us to simply see more possibilities than those that are in the tunnel vision created by fear. Love wants us to simply say, "This feels good. I am doing it and therefore becoming the person I AM."
Love wants us to surrender the "how," the strategizing, and the What-If-Flow-Chart-of-Insanity. Love wants us to follow the inspiration, the small inspirations and the big ones. Love wants us to believe in the unseen possibilities, in the tiny paths along the big road that fear has us walking on. Love wants us to keep on feeling good, and in feeling good, to reveal who we already are. And who we already are can step into a future, an inspired future, that we never could have imagined when standing on the shoulders of fear.
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